I’ve felt a bit directionless lately.
Over the weekend I had plans to relax, but also to write a few posts for this blog. However, I ended up feeling really tired, particularly Sunday, so I listened to my body and rested.
During the first few days of the week I felt sort of like a robot with a schedule with no room for anything other than the routine. Get up, exercise, go to work, come home from work, see my husband for a few hours, read a bit, meditate, bed. Repeat. I felt disconnected from pursuing my passions and just sort of, well, directionless.
It’s true, I have a lot going on. 28 weeks pregnant tomorrow, moving in three weeks, and I’m trying to come up with other things to add to this list, but really, aren’t those two things enough?
Yet I want to still find time to write. To create art. To work towards whatever it is I’m trying to build. I do deserve rest and breaks, of course, but spending time engaging in those other activities makes me feel more energetic and more alive, not less so.
Last night before bed I wrote a short passage in my Pray Rain Journal, and then flipped the notebook over and did what I really think I have been slacking on, and that’s dealing with some of the negative thoughts that make me feel like I can’t achieve any of the goals that I set for myself.
I believe the thought I worked on last night was something about me not having any real or marketable skills (I would get up and tell you exactly what it is, but I have a fuzzy white kitty on my lap and don’t want to disturb her). After I wrote the thought down, I wrote down the opposite of the thought, and then made a list to support that thought, which consisted of all the things I am capable of and can do. After I was done I felt very positive and much, much better. When I woke up this morning I felt a renewed sense of passion and excitement, and walked out to find this on our entryway table:
I knew they must have come from some project of mine at some point in time, but I didn’t know where. When I got home from work this evening my husband said that they were pressed inside a big coffee table book on Salvador Dali that I’ve had forever; he happened to be looking through it and found them.
I still have no idea when I put these leaves in the book, but seeing them today made me happy. It’s February, so color of any kind is nice to see, and where we live now (the coast of NC) isn’t exactly known for bright foliage, so seeing this after my journaling and positive feelings last night just made my day.
I took a couple of other photos this morning, too. Check out my table in our office:
Since we’re moving we kind of just have stuff everywhere, and most of the art projects I’ve made lately, along with works that were on our walls, are here on this desk. Looking at it makes me happy, too.
More evidence of our move! Can you tell I like suns? My husband bought the big one for me when we were visiting St. Augustine, that purple and yellow one was purchased for me by my father when he visited Italy years and years ago, and I have another small sun that I kept at work, which we purchased at the same time as that fish you see, about a year ago when we were visiting Beaufort, NC. That green lizard was made by the amazing metal sculptor Grace Cathey; I bought it for my husband 5 or 6 years ago, and even got to pick the colors and then watch her paint it!
I’m glad to feel back on track.
What do you do when you’re feeling out of sync?